


No Need To Endure Anymore

by Eternal Scribe (Shadowcat)



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Comatose Kíli, Dwarven Ones | Soulmates, Fíli & Kíli & Thorin Live, Fíli Angst, Fíli Feels, Fíli Guilt, Fíli Is Going To Kill Me In My Sleep, Hurt Kíli, Kíli Feels, M/M, Mutual Pining, Mutually Unrequited, Pining
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-17
Updated: 2017-02-28
Packaged: 2018-09-25 02:13:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9797972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadowcat/pseuds/Eternal%20Scribe
Summary: Kili left Erebor on his feet.He returned being carried on a shield.Everyone who was at the gates saw the procession to the throne room and to the throne.  The four elves that were carrying the shield between them were strangers, but they had the look of an elf that even these dwarves knew of and had respect for.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> From an anonymous prompt submitted to my Tumblr sone time ago.
> 
> _Prompt: The Hobbit -- Fili/Kili -- Unrequited on the part of Kili -- Kili left Erebor on his feet. He returned being carried on a shield._

Kili left Erebor on his feet.

He returned being carried on a shield.

Everyone who was at the gates saw the procession to the throne room and to the throne. The four elves that were carrying the shield between them were strangers, but they had the look of an elf that even these dwarves knew of and had respect for.

“We are searching for King Thorin and Prince Fili,” one of the elves in the front had said, his voice musical, but also very respectful. They definitely did not come from Mirkwood.

It was Nori who nodded and led them through the halls and to the throne room after he saw the dwarf laying so very still on the shield. He forced back his own emotions over this image and led them deeper into the mountain.

“We will not leave his side unless we know that he is safe with his kin,” the twin to the first elf said. “He is our friend and he has saved many lives.”

Nori was trying not to think too much about what might have happened to cause their youngest prince to be returning to them in this state. When he reached the throne room, he moved ahead to where the thrones were seated and exchanged quick words with Thorin in Khuzdul. Thorin stood from his throne and let out a roar that carried to all corners of the throne room.

“Everyone out! No one but the Company is to be here! Now!” He looked to the side where one of his messengers was standing, awaiting orders. “Summon the rest of the Company and tell them they are needed.” The messenger nodded and turned to run.

Fili was confused… until he saw the shield and the body lying so very still upon it. An anguished wail tore itself from his throat even as he moved down the steps where the thrones sat to get close to the shield.

The elves tensed up, ready to defend their precious burden until they saw the raw grief in the blonde dwarf’s eyes. Once the room had emptied of most of the people who had been there, Thorin looked at the elves, trying to keep his emotions at bay, even though his eyes were full of grief.

“I am Thorin Oakenshield, King Under the Mountain of Erebor. I have many questions, but would know who I am talking to.”

“I am Elladan,” the first elf spoke. “And this is my brother, Elrohir. We are the sons of Lord Elrond.”

Some of the tension in the room eased up a little. Lord Elrond was one of the few elves that the Company had respect for. He had been quite irritated with Thranduil over several of the things that had happened because of him during the original quest.

Once the rest of the Company had arrived and Oin stepped up to the shield, the four elves carefully lowered the shield to the floor so that Oin was able to examine the unconscious dwarf a little easier.

“Our Lord Father has healed as much as he was able to,” Elladan said, looking at Thorin. “But there is worry that he was not able to do enough.”

Elrohir nodded. “He said that Kili’s spirit keeps trying to sever the ties to his body and fade away. He is not fighting to live and that causes us all a great deal of worry.”

“It is why we risked bringing him here even in this condition,” Elladan continued. “We hoped that being among his people once more would make it easier to get him to come back to those who care about him.”

Elrohir let out a sound that resembled a sigh as he looked back to Kili’s form. “We did not understand why he stayed away from his people for so long and would not speak of it, but in order to save him, we made the decision to go against his wishes.”

Fili stepped forward. “His wishes?”

The elven twins exchanged a look and then they turned to look at Fili.

“Would you be Prince Fili?” Elladan asked quietly, his head tilted to the side.

“I am,” Fili responded. “Kili is my brother.” He swallowed, obviously keeping something back. “My younger brother.”

“Kili is our friend,” Elrohir said quietly as he looked at Fili as if he was measuring his words. “I do not know how long he has been exiled from you --”

“We did not exile Kili,” Thorin cut in, shocked that they thought that. ‘When he left, we tried to find him but his trail went cold. We’ve been worried sick trying to find him and hoping that he would come home safe.”

“He has been with us in Imladris for the past full turn of the seasons,” Elrohir continued his explanation. “He was with a group of rangers that passed through and helped to save the lives of some younglings when unexpected events occurred. For that reason alone we would have called him ally. But his loyal heart and friendly spirit made him come to be called friend and brother.”

“He is _my_ brother,” Fili stuttered out, trying very hard to keep a handle on his emotions.

“There is room in this world for family to expand,” Elladan said carefully. “We will not argue such things with Kili’s kin. That is not why we have returned him here. We are here because we wish for him to come back to life else we would not have altered our promise to him.”

“Aye and what was this promise that you say you made to our young prince?” Dwalin demanded.

Elrohir had a smug look as he glanced at his brother. “I told you he was the second dwarf prince.”

“He denied that he had any status among his people at all,” Elladan countered.

“Yet there was such pain in his eyes and in his energy every time he denied he had anything or any ties that he was separated from.” Elrohir shrugged elegantly. “Such pain as his was not something that would have ever been so deep if he had no one that he missed -- even if they did not miss him.”

The Company were all in various stages of shock to hear these glimpses of Kili’s life since he had disappeared from Erebor. There was also sadness at the fact that he told the elves that he had no status among his own people.

“That’s not true,” Ori said sadly. We did miss him. _I_ missed him. He’s my best friend and I still send a raven out every day looking for news of him.”

Elladan allowed his confusion to show as he looked at Ori in silence for a long moment. Then he turned his gaze to Fili and then to Thorin.

“The rangers and our people were told that he was not wanted nor welcomed among his kin.” Elladan ventured as he turned over the thoughts in his head. “We could see that he suffered from a wounded spirit and a splintered heart. He said that he had no home and he belonged nowhere.”

This time, Fili was unable to keep his cry of pain silent as the elf’s words seemed to strike him like knives.

“He did have a home. He belonged here with me -- only I was too foolish and too frightened to accept all that he offered me.”

Thorin stepped to Fili’s side and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, trying to offer him comfort. He knew that there was information about Kili’s disappearance Fili had kept from them all, but this was not the time to push for the information. Instead, he looked back at the elves.

“You keep expressing sorrow over going against my nephew’s wishes or breaking a promise to him, but we still do not know the truth of those matters.”

Elrohir nodded. “We apologize. It’s just that there is a lot of information that we are trying to process and match up with the knowledge that we have.” He made a sound that might have been a sigh as he looked at Kili for a long moment and then turned back to Thorin and the rest of the Company. “When Kili fell, before he lost consciousness, he requested that we not trouble his kin with the events surrounding his death. He said that it would do no good to reopen old wounds when he had made sure to atone for the wrongs he had done to you and left you to live your lives unburdened.”

“The lad was never a burden to us,” Bofur said, shaking his head in sorrow.

“How long has Kili been unconscious?” Oin asked from where he was examining the fallen prince.

Elladan and Elrohir spoke together in their musical language and then Elladan looked at Oin. “The attack near the Shire --” Here several members of the company had reactions that varied from dismay to outrage, but the elf continued. “-- occurred about four, maybe five weeks ago. It took the rangers a few days to get Kili and the rest of their wounded to our home. Kili woke up once or twice in those early days to speak with Elrohir and I, but then he stopped waking up. Our father and our healers worked on him for several days after that and then we had to get here at a slow pace so as not to jostle him too badly.” He tilted his head. “Maybe three weeks where he has not been responsive to anyone.”

“We should move him to the healing wing,” Oin said finally. “It seems that there is a lot that we don’t know about what happened to Kili after he left here and why he told everyone that he had no place or status here. He would be much more comfortable if I work with him on a bed instead of this shield.”

“We can have our companions aid you in transporting Kili to your healing rooms so that we may continue to exchange information here,” Elrohir offered.

Bombur stepped forward. “I will help carry the shield. Bofur and Bifur can fill me in on anything I miss when I return.” He looked at Thorin. “Perhaps you should move this to some place more comfortable so everyone can sit and I will make sure refreshments are brought in, as well.”


	2. Chapter 2

After Oin, Bombur and the other two elves left the throne room, Thorin led the rest of the Company with Elladan and Elrohir to a side door. It opened into a meeting room of a good size. There was a large table in the center of the room that was surrounded by chairs and everyone took a seat.

“I believe that you have as many questions of us and how Kili came to leave here as we have of you and Kili’s life among you,” Thorin rumbled quietly, worry for his youngest nephew showing clearly in his eyes.

“We do not want to cause disrespect and ask too many or the wrong questions,” Elrohir said with a slight tilt of his head. “Our father explained that dwarves are secretive with their ways and many things are sacred and private. We do not wish to cause insult.”

“Lord Elrond has always been different in these matters than King Thranduil has been.” Balin nodded. Catching the matched look on the faces of the twins, he had to asks. “No great friend of the Mirkwood king, are ye?”

Elladan shook his head. “He… we do not agree with his policies or the way he locks his realm away and pretends that what happens here in the world does not affect him. We are all peoples of Middle Earth and we all have a responsibility to protect and defend the land and other peoples as much as we ourselves would want aid if we were in need.”

“The only one from Mirkwood that we have any dealings with is Legolas, and that is because he is very different than his father.” Elrohir added. “After all, after the Battle of the Five Armies, he refused to return to Mirkwood with Thranduil. Instead, he travelled some with the Rangers and has visited Rivendell many times. It was his council that led us all to agree that Kili’s well-being was more important than his wishes to keep his kin from knowing what had happened to him.” He smiled. “Kili will have many words and possible blows to exchange with the three of us when he returns to himself, I believe.”

“The three of you?” Gloin questioned, trying not to bristle at the mention of the Mirkwood prince. He had never really forgiven Legolas for some of the things he had said when they were captured by his kin.

“Oh yes,” Elrohir said with a smile. “He and Legolas have become great friends. It was Legolas who took charge of him when the attack on the Shire happened. He carried Kili most of the way back to our father’s home by himself.”

Elladan sighed. “If bringing him here brings him back to life and perhaps causes him to smile in truth, again, then his ire will be well worth those blows.”

“What do you mean, cause him to smile in truth?” Dori asked, patting Ori’s hand in comfort.

Elrohir looked at Dori. “Before he left here, was Kili normally a cheerful dwarf?”

Dori nodded. “Very cheerful. He was known for an easy smile and quick laughter that could make you feel light hearted no matter how your day was going. He was also known for pulling more than his fair share of pranks.”

Elladan shook his head. “Kili smiles… but they are not real smiles. He smiles whenever he believes someone expects him to, but those smiles never reach his eyes. They might fool humans, but they cannot fool our people -- especially the ones that have befriended and adopted him.”

“He is careful not to let anyone see his melancholy and that fact that something has been broken inside him, but we are elves and we can see deeper than most.” Elrohir looked sadly at the Company and then at Fili. “Until our father and Legolas gave us the names to ask for when we arrived here, we did not know that Kili had any family left alive. We thought that he was truly alone, else why would he have left his home that he shed so much blood for?” He paused. “We heard about the battle and have seen his scars as his wounds healed.”

Fili groaned, burying his face in his hands.

“King Thorin, there is a term that we elves use for our people when they exhibit the signs that Kili has shown.” Elladan ventured, looking at Thorin. “It is called Fading. Their bodies are still mostly alive, but their heart and their spirits are dead or dying. They continue to function and do what they think they need to do, but there is no joy within them and no real life left, any longer.”

Somehow, Thorin managed to keep his voice even and free from the shaking that his insides were doing as he looked at Elladan. “Among your people, what causes such a thing to happen to them?”

“A deep hurt or loss that they cannot be healed from… or losing their mate. Elves can love more than once, but we have one great mate of our souls and hearts that we are always bound and connected to. Losing our mate or being rejected by them can cause us to start to fade. It is one of the few things that can kill an elf -- Fading or dying in battle.”

More than one dwarf let out a deep sigh filled with emotion at that explanation.

“It happens sometimes among dwarves, too,” Balin said quietly. “Especially if they lose or are rejected by their Ones. Dwarves only fall in love once in their life and for them, the one they love is who Mahal carved especially for them. The problem, though, is that just because someone is your One, it doesn’t always mean that you are theirs.”

Elrohir shook his head. “So Kili’s One… rejected him? That would explain some of the things we have seen with him and some of the things he has cried out in his sleep.”

“We don’t know for sure what happened,” Dwalin admitted. “None of us know who Kili’s One was. He never said anything to us about it or about being rejected. We only guessed at it after he disappeared.”

Thorin didn’t comment on Dwalin’s answer because while he didn’t know for sure, he had a pretty good idea who Kili’s One was. The thing being, he was pretty sure that Kili’s One also had identified Kili as his One, but for some reason had been afraid to admit it out loud.

“I don’t understand,” Elladan’s voice was full of emotion, some of it being confusion. “How could someone reject the love of Kili? He is amazing and strong and cares so much about those he calls friend or family. He also cares about the land more than any non-elf we have ever met.”

As the elves talked, Fili couldn’t help but let his mind think back to the last time he had seen his brother.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Longer chapter because it didn't flow right when I tried to break it up.

_It had only been a few months since the Battle and Oin was concerned because Kili was pushing himself far too fast and too hard. His injuries had barely closed and there was real danger from him opening them again. Both he and Fili had been close to death, but Fili and the others were more concerned by Kili’s since not only had he already been weakened by the arrow and poisoning, but unbeknownst to Fili until later, Kili had not worn as much under armor as he had insisted Fili wear. Oh, he had worn it because Fili had buckled his younger brother into it himself. However, he had been stabbed in the chest – far too close to his heart for everyone’s comfort. Oin hadn’t even known how much damage might have been done to his heart because of the width of the spike and all of the swelling._

_The chest wound so close to his heart had been the worst of his injuries, but it definitely wasn’t his only wound. Fili had wondered and wanted to know exactly what had happened to his beloved brother during the battle after he had been thrown from the cliff. However, every time he asked Kili to tell him what he went through, Kili would not speak of it. He looked so broken down and his eyes were so haunted that it hurt Fili to see him like that._

_Finally, he’d had enough and he tracked his brother, his light, down the next time he disappeared. Not so surprisingly, he found Kili at the archery range. His arms were trembling worse than Fili had ever seen them and Kili had tears of pain and frustration making trails on his face._

_“Kili,” he said softly, knowing that his brother would hear him. “Come back inside. You need to rest. You’re still healing.”_

_“I will never be healed, Fili.” The pain and sadness in Kili’s voice had struck Fili deeply. “Even when there are only scars on my body, I will never be healed. I am broken in so many ways.”_

_“You are not broken, **Nadad**. Do not say such things. You were badly wounded and almost died. You will fight and hunt and shoot your bow again.”_

_Kili’s hands trembled some more as he moved his bow to the side of his body. He shook his head before lowering it as his throat worked. To Fili’s worried eyes, it seemed that Kili was fighting to say something and nothing was coming out like he wanted it to._

_“Aye. The wounds will turn to scars that mark me as a warrior. I will become an extension of my bow again and I will do my duty to our line even though I am dying slowly inside.”_

_Fili came closer, and wrapped an arm around his beloved brother. He hated to see his brother so broken and he would do anything that he could to fix it and take away what was tearing at him._

_“Talk to me, Kili. Let me take your pain and lighten your burdens.”_

_“You cannot take this pain, _ **sannadad**_ , because you will not.”_

_Fili frowned, a thread of hurt weaving itself through him. “I would do anything for you, Kili, you know that.”_

_To his surprise, it seemed that the trembling in his brother got worse and Fili stepped closer, pulling Kili into his arms and holding him against his chest. He had no idea what could be causing his brother such distress, but he would fix it. It was what he always did. Kili was the other part of him and he would not willingly allow him to suffer like this if he had the power and ability to make it right._

_“My One does not want me,” Kili finally breathed into Fili’s neck._

_Fili felt something like ice in his veins. Kili had found his One? His Kili? Fili tried to push away the sudden pain that washed through him in order to better focus on his beloved brother. His pain, his selfish need to keep Kili at his side had no place here when Kili was in so much pain._

_“How do you know that your One does not want you, Kili?”_

_How could someone not want Kili? Mahal knew he had wanted Kili for a long time -- no matter how much he knew it was wrong._

_“I am not good enough for him,” Kili whispered into his brother’s neck. “He is perfect and I am too wrong for him.”_

_Fili hated this. He hated the fact that Kili had found his One and that his One would dare to think that his beloved baby brother was beneath him._

_“You are not wrong for anyone, Kee. You are a prince and you have the blood of Durin in your veins.” He tightened his arms around his brother, wishing that he would be given a name so that he could go and pound someone into the ground for doing this… for throwing away the thing that Fili couldn’t help himself from wanting for his very own._

_“Durin’s blood made a mistake.”_

_Fili took in a breath through his teeth. What had happened to make Kili feel so down about himself and who he was?_

_Kili shuddered against Fili, making a soft sound of distress. There were so many things that he wanted to say to his brother but he didn’t know if he should or what words to start with. He could feel the tears of frustration seeping from beneath his tightly closed eyes. He felt even worse because he knew he wouldn’t be able to hide them from his brother. Not only was there something wrong with him that made him want Fili in ways he should not, but now he couldn’t stop himself from crying like a child._

_“Tell me what you need, **nadadith** , and if it is in my power I will give it to you,” Fili tried soothing him as he tightened his arms around his weeping brother – trying to be careful of his still healing and vulnerable chest wounds. He meant what he said. If he was able to do something to ease Kili’s distress and soothe his mind, he would do so willingly and without hesitation._

_However, he didn’t expect what happened and would later blame his immediate reactions on shock and the surety that Kili was playing with him – that his brother had somehow discovered his darkest secret._

_At Fili’s words, Kili let out a sound that almost sounded like a howl of pain against his brother’s neck. Then, before he could stop himself, he lifted his face and pressed his lips to Fili’s. At first, he felt Fili respond, his brother licking the seam of his lips, and then letting his tongue delve into his mouth. Kili let out a moan at how good it felt, and then everything went horribly wrong.  
_

_He barely registered Fili jerking away from him, but he was very aware of the fist hitting him in the face hard enough to not only snap his head back, but also knock him to the ground. The impact with the ground caused pain to race through his back and chest, but it was nothing compared to the pain in his heart and soul._

_He had lost Fili._

_He was unable to bite back his cry of pain as he hit the ground, but he didn’t try looking at Fili again. When he was able to draw even a shallow breath, he forced himself to roll over onto his stomach and then to his knees. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, not lifting his head. “I’m sorry. I told you I was broken.”_

_When he got to his feet, he walked out of the training area as quickly as his wounded body would allow him to._

_If Fili had realized that would be the last time he would see his brother, he would have chased after him and demanded an explanation. Instead, he stood there, shaking and confused as he watched the other half of his soul disappeared back into the mountain._

_Kili didn’t return to their shared rooms that night, nor the next one. Fili tried not to worry, thinking that his brother was staying with Ori or one of their other friends while he tried to compose himself enough to come home and talk with him. He hadn’t meant to punch Kili. He had just been so shocked and reacted without thinking. By the time he realized that he had harmed Kili – in more ways than one – Kili had been gone from the archery area._

_He never got the chance to explain his actions to Kili. It was a regret he would carry until his dying day._

_Three days after their exchange in the archery yard, Ori had burst into the meeting room where Fili, Thorin, Balin and Dori were gathered going over information about work needing to be done._

_“Kili’s gone!” Ori’s voice was frantic. “He’s left Erebor!”_

_Thorin got to his feet, even as Fili felt something freeze deep inside him._

_“What do you mean, Kili is gone, Ori?” Thorin’s voice was calm sounding, but everyone in the room could tell that he was incredibly worried. After all, this was his youngest nephew and he was still badly wounded._

_“I mean that he’s gone, Thorin.” Ori held out a piece of parchment. “I just found this note in one of my desk drawers. I don’t know how long he’s been gone because I don’t use that drawer as often unless I need to seal a lot of correspondence with my wax. I was looking for something in that drawer and that’s how I found his note.”_

_“What does it say?” Fili’s voice was a whisper. He didn’t want to know, but he needed to so he would know how to help his little brother. He had always taken care of him and protected him. He wouldn’t allow this to be the one time that he failed in his chosen task._

_Thorin took the note from Ori and read it out loud to the occupants of the room._

_“_ **In reclaiming Erebor, I have lost everything  
** **that has ever mattered to me and staying here  
** **will take the rest of me. I cannot stay here to  
** **continue dying a little each day. I’m sorry  
** **that I am not stronger and that I am a failure  
** **to our line. I hope that one day you will be  
** **able to forgive me my failures and think of  
** **me without anger. ~Kili** ” 

_“We need to find him, Thorin,” Balin said as he got to his feet. “He’s not even close to being healed enough to be out there alone.”_

_“We’ll gather the Company and arrange search parties,” Thorin agreed. “Dori, can you please round everyone up and get them to come here immediately?”_

_“Of course,” Dori agreed, already heading to the door, worried about the youngest member of their company._

_Fili’s head was buried in his hands and he was shaking, so Thorin looked at Ori._

_“Ori, did Kili say that anything was really bothering him?”_

_Ori bit his lip, carefully not looking at Fili because he didn’t want to add to his pain, but he knew that Kili’s brother was not going to like finding out what Ori knew._

_“Yes,” Ori answered reluctantly. “He told me that he found his One… but that his One had rejected him.”_

_Thorin took in a hissing breath as he looked at his slumped nephew. When Fili only whimpered and didn’t look up, Thorin frowned and turned back to Ori. “Did he say why he thought his One rejected him?”_

_“He said that he wasn’t good enough for how perfect his One was. He called himself broken, tainted and wrong,” Ori said sadly. “I think that’s why he gave up on healing and kept slipping away and pushing himself beyond the limits Oin kept trying to set for him.”_

_“We’ll find him, Fili, Ori,” Thorin promised._

_That had been two years ago and none of their hunting parties had been able to find any sign of the missing prince._


	4. Chapter 4

Fili tried to do his duty as Crown Prince and pay attention to the conversation with their guests, but everything within him was screaming at him to go to Kili. He had already been apart from him for two very long years and he needed to get to him before anything happened that caused him to lose him forever. He clenched his hands into fists beneath the table, trying to force himself to sit still. He had caused his beloved brother to be so near to death and he needed to do what he could to make things right.

Of course, that also meant getting more information; which meant spending more time with the elven twins to get some answers about his brother’s activities in the last two years.

“How was Kili wounded?” He was pleased -- and surprised -- that his voice was steady as he addressed his brother’s good friends. “What was he doing when it happened and what kinds of wounds did he sustain that needed healing from Lord Elrond?”

Elladan grimaced slightly. “We’re not sure why, but orcs thought they were going to attack the hobbits in the Shire. The Rangers keep up a patrol and they’re the guardians and protectors of the gentlefolk that live there. The hobbits don’t know that they’re being protected and that’s how both parties like it. The orcs started to attack and were cut off by the Rangers. Kili had been with the Rangers for some time and was on patrol with them when they got news of the impending danger to the Shire.”

“The party of orc decided to split up, thinking they could get around the Rangers and cause destruction,” Elrohir picked up the tale. “However, Kili had taken a few of the men and were at the far end of the Shire near a place called Bag End.” All of the dwarves tensed and leaned forward at that news.”Apparently, Kili decided that no orc was even getting close to Bag End and he led a group of the men into battle out of the range of hearing of the hobbits. We heard that he was doing very well with sword and knife, taking on only light wounds and cuts that could be tended to after the battle.”

Elladan shook his head. “He killed several orc before an archer managed to stop Kili’s fight. He took an arrow to his shoulder and one to his chest. When Legolas and I found him, we were afraid that he had been hit in the heart.” He gestured at his brother. “Elrohir made short work of the orc that fired the arrows. Kili was fortunate in that there was no poison on the arrows.”

Fili shook his head, trying not to make a sound. He wouldn’t want Kili to go through dealing with that poison again. He would never be able to shake the memory of almost losing him in Lake Town after he had been wounded during their escape from Mirkwood.

“We didn’t know until we were examining his wounds that he was still healing from an earlier wound near the scar next to his heart,” Elrohir said softly. “He must have been in pain, but he never said a word to anyone about it. We know that he had been wounded at the battle for your mountain two years ago, but we also know that wounds of the heart or that close take a very long time to heal without aid. We don’t know if the near-healed wound occurred in the battle for your mountain as the older wound did. He never told us of a healing wound, nor did he ever ask for help.”

"No,” Thorin sighed, running a hand over his face. “He wouldn’t ask for help. He’s always tried to be stronger than he needed to be; trying to prove his worth to all around him. He never had to prove his worth to us.”

Fili didn’t know what to say to that and decided not to comment. He and Kili had always felt pressure to make sure they were the best and prove themselves worthy to their uncle. Fili was his official heir, but Kili was a prince, as well, and that had been something they knew was important to Thorin. They always felt the pressure on their shoulders to be what Thorin expected them to be.

Of course, since almost losing them at Ravenhill, Thorin had been more like the uncle they recalled from their youth -- even if Kili hadn’t been around to see the change.

“The hobbits,” Bofur asked. “Were any of them harmed?”

“They never even knew they had been in danger,” Elrohir assured him. “It wasn’t until Kili was returned to Rivendell that we were told why he had been so determined to protect Bag End. Our father explained that a friend of yours, Bilbo Baggins, lived in Bag End and Kili was trying to take care of him.”

“Yes,” Dwalin nodded. “He would have wanted to make sure our burglar was safe after everything he had done for us.”

Fili ran his hands through his hair, feeling his fingers tug at his braids lightly. Kili had almost died, again, and he had been nowhere near him when it happened. Once again, orcs had almost robbed him of the most important person in his life. His One could have died and he might never have known if the elves had kept Kili’s confidence after his death. It upset him and also made him feel guilty because he knew that it was his fault that Kili had been so far away from his home.

His fault because he should have followed Kili that day in the archery yard and explained his reactions. He should have gone after him right away and not assumed that he was with friends or that he would come to him when he had calmed down. Kili told him he believed he was broken and instead of helping him see the truth, he had inadvertently given weight to that belief.

He wanted to bury his face in his arms on the table, but he couldn’t do that in front of their guests. It wouldn’t do for the heir to the king under the mountain to lose his composure and shed tears in front of the elves. He wanted nothing more than to run from this meeting and go to Kili in the healing wing. For two years he had been lost and worried about Kili and now that he was back home, it was only because he was apparently dying and his friends the elves didn’t know how to help him.

So they had brought him back to the one who was ultimately responsible for the condition that his beloved raven was in.

He was surprised to feel a hand squeezing his shoulder comfortingly and turned his head to meet the pained eyes of his uncle. There was sadness, pain and something else in Thorin’s eyes as he looked at him. At first, Fili wasn’t sure what he was seeing and then his eyes widened in alarm.

_Thorin knew!_

Fili bit the inside of his cheek, fighting not to look away from his uncle’s gaze. What must his uncle and king think of the fact that his heir had fallen in love with his brother and had ended up causing said brother to run off to seek his death? He felt panic rising within him and saw Thorin’s eyes widen slightly before the hand on his shoulder squeezed him again. He tilted his head and Fili realized there was something that he was not seeing in Thorin’s eyes.

Thorin didn’t look angry or even disgusted. He looked sad and understanding and… accepting? Was it possible that Thorin knew that Kili was his One and was okay with them being involved in that way -- knowing that they would not be able to have children to continue their line?

Of course, the way Fili felt right now, he could not care less how Thorin might feel about he and Kili being involved. He had lost him for two years due to his own fear and worry and if Kili would survive and forgive him, he was never going to let him go again. He would risk exile, banishment and being disinherited if it meant that he was able to be himself with Kili.

He heard Balin saying something to the elves even as Thorin leaned closer to him to speak in a lowered voice with Khuzdul words.

“Mahal makes no mistakes, sister-son. You and your brother have always been one and I wish you had come to me when you realized the truth because maybe I could have helped reassure you that things would be all right. I keep failing you boys, Fili, and for that I am truly sorry.”

Fili shook his head, closing his eyes so that Thorin wouldn’t see the new pulse of pain that moved through him. Why couldn’t his uncle have said things like this two years ago when it would have prevented so much pain and grief? Why couldn’t he have been this attentive and understanding when Kili was breaking down from fear and pain and Fili was trying to hide how he felt?

Was it now too late to make any difference?


	5. Chapter 5

_There was pain._

_That was one of the first things that he was aware of. He was used to pain, but this seemed to be different. He couldn’t recall what had happened, but he could sense that he was somewhere different than Rivendell. The air wasn’t the same here and it had a different kind of taste to it. It was a familiar taste, but he wasn’t completely clear on where it was or why he felt that he knew it so well._

_There were people talking above him and then he heard a wail of pain._

_Something within him struggled up, feeling the need to comfort the one that made such a sound. He knew that voice, but he couldn’t remember how or why he knew that voice. He wanted to reach out and soothe the one that was so upset, but his own body wouldn’t respond to his commands._

_Time passed and the air changed once again._

_There was a new bitter acridness to the air and his mind was working to identify where he was._

_There were other voices around him, now, but he did not detect the voices of his closest companions. Had something happened? Where were his dear elven friends? They had been a constant in his life for some time, now, and he didn’t know of a circumstance that would have caused them to be separated._

_His thoughts were pulled forward at the sound of another voice, close to him. At least, he thought it was close to him. He couldn’t open his eyes to see._

_“--li, come on, lad, come back to us. You need to wake up so we can heal you. Your brother needs you.”_

_Two names crystallized in his mind and he mentally recoiled._

_That voice. He knew it. It belonged to Oin, the medic and healer of his former Company and of Erebor. How was Oin here? How did he find him and did that mean that others had found him?_

_Brother?_

_Fili. Fili. Fili._

_No no nonononono!_

_He had left Erebor and swore to himself that he would never taint his brother’s life and his future. He did not understand how he was with Oin and why he was saying that his brother needed him. Fili didn’t need him. Fili needed him and his tainted blood to stay far away._

_Tainted._

_Wrong._

_Broken._

_It hurt hurt hurt. So much pain that he couldn’t function and he couldn’t catch his breath._

_He loved his brother and needed to be with his brother, but it wasn’t going to happen._

_His brother didn’t need him. He hated him and wanted him gone._

_Gone_

_Gonegonegone_

_Lost._

_Fili.Fili. FiliFiliFili_

_FILI._

_FI-!_


	6. Chapter 6

The screams coming from the healing wing caused Fili and Thorin to break out into a run.

They had been walking together, on their way to check on Kili while Balin got the elves settled in guest rooms. Thorin had graciously invited the elves to stay until Kili woke up and could decide where he wanted to be. As much as it pained the dwarves to admit, Kili had made a new home with the elves and they couldn’t take that away from him.

Fili didn’t care what Thorin said, he wasn’t going to lose his brother again.

When he recognized the pitch and voice of those screams, he left Thorin behind. It sounded like his brother was being tortured and he needed to get to him.

Fili crashed into the healing wing, moving to the door that led to the screams. He slammed through the door, letting it crash into the wall hard enough to bounce back and then froze at the sight in front of him.

Oin and his assistant were struggling to calm down Kili, who was arching up from his bed with cries of pain tearing out of his throat. He moved close enough to see that his brother’s eyes were still closed, even though there were trails of tears shining on his cheeks. He wasn’t thrashing, just lifting up from his bed almost bent backwards in half from his tension and pain.

Kili. Oh, Kili.

Fili felt his broken heart shatter in smaller pieces at the evidence of his baby brother’s pain and he hated that he knew he was the cause of it.

Dimly, he heard Thorin’s voice behind him, but he tuned him out as he focused completely on Kili. Without thinking about it, he moved closer to his brother and climbed up on the bed. With gentle hands and soothing words in Khuzdul, he managed to coax his brother’s body to relax back down onto the bed he had been laid out on. Once Kili was laying flat on the bed again, Fili got a good look at the pallor of his skin and the shadows beneath his eyes. Shaking his head, he stretched out on the bed and then gently pulled Kili into his arms, tucking his brother’s head beneath his chin and wrapping himself around him like he used to do not so many years before. Kili’s cries quieted and then were silent as he settled into Fili’s arms, the tension easing out of his body as Fili sheltered him from everything around them. He held Kili tightly, sighing as he looked up at Thorin and Oin.

“What happened?” He asked softly, careful not to disturb his unconscious brother in his arms.

“I don’t know, lad,” Oin answered honestly. “I was trying to coax him to wake up and let us help him when he started screaming and thrashing about in the bed. We tried to calm him down and he started acting like he was having some kind of seizure and he started crying out, tears just streaming down his face.”

“Did he ever wake up?” Thorin asked, looking sadly at his brunette nephew being held by his blond nephew.

“Not even a little bit. He seemed like he was scared near unto death but couldn’t react or do anything about it.” He sighed, shaking his head. “I thought we were going to have to tie to him to the bed and sedate him.”

“No tying him down,” Fili said quietly. “We are not doing that to him. If there is something happening in his mind that is causing him such terror, restraining him will only make it worse.”

“He could hurt himself, Fili,” Thorin said quietly, looking sad. “We have to do whatever we can to protect him and keep him safe until he wakes up.”

“Then I will stay with him. You saw how I was able to calm him down and get him to rest again.” He rubbed his cheek against the top of Kili’s head. “If I stay with him, I can keep him from hurting himself until we can get him to wake up.”

“You have responsibilities, Fili.” Thorin’s voice was sad and his words had no real weight of command in them.

“Yes, to my brother and my One.” Fili was surprised at how even his voice was as he said the final word out loud and he didn’t look away from his uncle or from the dwarven medic. “I already failed him once, Thorin and brought him to this. I will not fail him again. If that interferes with my duties as prince or heir in your eyes, then disinherit me, uncle. No kingdom is as dear to me as Kili is. No crown is worth his life.”

“I know, Fili. I just needed to see if you finally knew it, too.”

Fili glared at him for a moment and then sighed, laying his cheek against Kili’s head again. “I will not leave him, uncle. I reacted badly to him showing me how he felt and he was gone before I could explain. He almost died and I was not with him because it was my fault that he left his home. I will stay here with him and when he wakes up, I will be here with him and repair what was broken.”

“What if he can’t be repaired, lad?” Oin forced himself to give voice to his own worry about his young charge -- the dwarf he had seen to from the day he was born.

“Then he will return to his home among the elves and I will go with him.” There was no hesitation in Fili’s words. “I shattered him in Erebor. If need be, I will work to heal him in Rivendell.”

“And if he doesn’t wish to try to heal the bond of the two of you being each other’s One?” Thorin’s voice was as calm as he could make it. “If he feels it is too late to heal the damage from that?”

Fili swallowed, hating the possibility of that, but knowing that it _was_ a possibility.

“Then I will work to repair our bond as brothers and I will have to make sure that it is enough for me. I will be whatever Kili allows me to be in order to stay by his side, no matter where that may be.”

“You would leave your home to just be his brother?”

“Kili is my home, Thorin. It has always been that way and it always will be.” He kissed the top of Kili’s head and closed his eyes for a long moment and then opened them to look at Thorin. “He may never again want to accept me as his One, but that doesn’t mean he will stop being my One. I will do everything within my power to take care of him whether he wants me to or not. He has been in pain and fading from who he is for two years because he thought I rejected him. Even if I didn’t owe him for the pain he has been in, I would stand with him no matter where he goes.” He choked back a painful laugh. “After all, just because someone is your One, it doesn’t mean that you are their One and Mahal knows Kili has every reason and right to reject me like he thinks I did him.”


End file.
